6 Things They Don’t Tell You When You Graduate High School

In a couple of weeks, you should get your "I'm a Big Kid Now" membership card in the mail. This card will enable you to all the rights of an adult (cool stuff, like mortgages and gout and habeas corpus), and you'll finally get to learn the Secret Adult Handshake, which -- trust me -- you'll need to know. You'll get the “Grown-Up Newsletter” twice a month, filled with things that adults like to read about, such as tax shelters, restructuring debt, welfare reform, illegal immigration and Spackle. On the back page are cool coupons for 40% off your first hernia operation.

One of the neat-o things about being an adult is how tolerant you become of the world around you. There's no more of the manufactured drama of high school [NSFW]. After all, you threw tantrums when you were three years old, right? But now, as an adult, everyone you meet will be rational, calm and reasonable. Look at politics. Those guys settle their differences amicably, without the burdens of ego and self-interest. They're grown-ups, and grown-ups settle their problems with the common good in mind. Get ready for a life of calm, reasoned, enlightened discourse.

Everything you've been taught about hard work is true. It is always richly rewarded and automatically leads to a life of success. As an adult, all employers will want your input and respect your decisions, and you'll be an integral part of any team. You'll only have to work 40 hours a week, which sounds like a lot, but most places of business have a spa room and a video game lounge to keep workers relaxed. No more working weekends and odd hours for you. Your bazillion dollars should be here any day now, and when you retire at 35, you'll hardly be able to remember that Business Math class you took during third period.

Children will be a stabilizing influence on your life as a young adult, and as a bonus, they make models now that only cry during daylight hours so you can sleep at night. Just tell your OB-GYN you want a "Day-Cry Kid." Rearing a child is serious business, which is why most business leaders are mucho sympathetic. I've never heard of any employer denying a parent a day off to take little Junior to Six Flags. Plus, when they're old enough, you can send them to school. That's why we pay taxes for public schools - so we have someone to raise our children for us.

Houses are ridiculously easy to get, and as an adult, you're totally entitled to one. When you learn the Secret Adult Handshake (it's harder than it looks with that twist at the end), you can go down to the bank and just ask them for a house. They keep spares. You even get to pick the color!  Now, you might be saying, "If I buy a house, don't I have to pay for everything in it that breaks?"

Nope.  Just nope.  That is not a thing that happens.

The best part about being an adult is that when you get stuck, there is a manual for every situation to help you. It's part of a series called "Manual for Life," brought to you by the same people who invented that money tree you'll have in your backyard. It's in a secret part of Google called 'Never-Never Land'. It's the single greatest resource available, and it's yours absolutely free -- so long as you keep up that credit score, mister! You shouldn't have to use 'Manual for Life' that often though, since as an adult, you now know everything.