Cyber Criminals Want Us All Fat and Constipated in Texas

Someone hit Dole, the maker of many popular salads mixes, with a ransomware attack. I can't even speculate who might have something against lettuce. Could it be someone who wants us all to be fat?

Many Texas and New Mexico stores are now running low on Dole pre-packaged salad kits. There are so many delectable Dole salad mixes out there. My favorite is the Chopped Avocado Ranch Salad Kit, although the Chopped Applewood Bacon Salad Kit is also a favorite.

This ransomware attack could be catastrophic for people like me who can't imagine the horror of coming home from work and preparing a salad on my own. I can only imagine the injuries I would incur if I had to remove a pit from an avocado myself.

Plus, it's not like lettuce isn't already in short supply due to an outbreak of a horrible lettuce disease called impatiens necrotic spot virus. First, mother nature hits us with a lettuce virus, and now evil cyber criminals are coming after us with a computer virus.

It's like, why is the universe conspiring against people who are trying to eat healthier and get their fiber?

This cyber attack on Dole is severe. It was first recognized on February 10th. That day the company representative Emanuel Lazopoulos, Senior Vice-President of salads, sent a memo to retailers telling them their plants were closed and shipments were on hold because of the cyber attack.

By the way, that's not Lazopoulos' official title, but essentially what he does.

Dole spokesperson William Goldfield on Dole's website confirmed the attack and said the company had to shut down all production and computers to keep the attack from spreading.

Photo: Dole

This ransomware problem is costing American consumers millions of dollars a year. The malware can be unwittingly downloaded to anyone's computer by opening an email attachment. Once you have it, you cannot access your computer files until you agree to pay a ransom. Often, the ransom is tens of millions of dollars.

The FBI still hasn't found the Dole attackers. My guess is it's someone who wants us all to eat more meat or something fattening. Maybe it's an evil laxative maker who wants us all to buy more laxatives.

There's no word on how long this situation with Dole will continue.

As bad as all this is, imagine how much worse a packaged lettuce shortage would be in a state like California or Massachusetts, where everyone is into eating healthier. Here in Texas, we'd all rather have an extra burger or steak than a namby-pamby salad anyway.

In the meantime, I will grow some lettuce in my backyard and read everything I can find online about how to get the pit out of an avocado safely. I will also make sure I don't open email attachments from people I don't know. (I couldn't afford much more than a buck and a quarter for ransom).

Call it safe surfing. I don't want any ransomware on my computer.