The Spice Girls Return as a Trio for ‘Wannabe’ Anniversary, Which No One Really, Really Wants
On July 8, 1996, five young women named Emma Bunton, Melanie B, Geri Halliwell, Melanie C and Victoria Beckham — you might know them better as Baby, Scary, Ginger, Sporty and Posh — spiced up our lives (viva) forever as the Spice Girls with their culture-shaking debut UK single, "Wannabe."
"Tell me what you want / What you really, really want!" they demanded.
What we did not want, as it turns out, is for three out of five of them to return twenty years later as a sub-unit with some shoddy split-screen iPhone footage.
And yet, here we are.
For months (and years, really), rumors swirled of an inevitable Spice reunion to mark the 20th anniversary of the legendary British girl group's debut. After all, they came together once for 2007's massive The Return Of The Spice Girls reunion tour, and then once again for the 2012 Olympics — both of which were flawlessly executed, high-profile returns to the music scene.
At first, it seemed four of the Spice Girls would be down for a reunion tour without Victoria in 2016. But as of May, the prevailing theory was that the girls would be returning — as a trio — to work on new material. That seemed like nonsense. Five or nothing, right?
Horrifyingly, it seems the latest rumor was indeed true.
Last night, three of the girls posted a link on Twitter (complete with a misspelled lyric, no less) to a website called "The Spice Girls - GEM" — GEM standing for Geri, Emma and Mel B. Yes, just like a K-pop girl group sub-unit.
But the accompanying video announcement is where things get really dire — we're talking grainy iPhone footage, during which the three aren't even in the same room together, and Geri doesn't even know how to look into the camera properly.
"We wanna celebrate and have a party, and when we do...you're all invited! Thank you!" the three say in semi-unison in split-screen form, before a horrifying text scroll, which reads more like a threat: "We hope to tell you soon what you want. What you really, really want... #WANNABE."
Somewhere in England, Victoria Beckham is scrolling through her Twitter feed over morning tea, grasping the silk robe at her chest and letting out a sharp gasp of horror.
Who convinced these three that this is acceptable? (It was Geri, wasn't it?) Why is this happening to us? Sure, maybe it's conceivable to do something without an unwilling Posh — but no Sporty, either? Why bother?
Do not sully the good name of SPICE, ladies. Zig-a-zig-nah.
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